Chapter 6: Confession

Dear Luz,

I am so, so sorry for what I did to you last week.

I understand if you never want to speak to me again.

I want to explain what happened.

I didn’t drink a truth serum. I made the potion myself, but it didn’t work the way I intended. (It was for a really stupid, embarrassing reason that I’d rather not tell you about.) Instead, when I drank that potion, I lost control of my own body. I watched from the sidelines as somebody else puppeted my mouth and said awful, unforgivable things to you.

Again, I am so, so sorry.

I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you this sooner. I should have explained myself and apologized as soon as I got the chance. In retrospect, though, it’s good that I didn’t. It gave me time to think.

I’ve read about cases where people under the influence of a truth serum say things that they don’t even realize are true. Once, a witch didn’t realize that he was in an unhappy marriage until he said so in trance. The serum taps into a well of personal beliefs deeper than the conscious mind.

I don’t think I drank an actual truth serum, but I think it might have been similar, somehow. I think it tapped into something deep.

If there is one thing I know, if there is one thing that I’ve learned since I met you, it’s that I am not, deep down, a good person. Until very recently, I thought that being good was about following the rules, and making sure other people followed the rules. I can’t believe how wrong I was. I hurt people. I can’t count the number of times I got Ed and Em into trouble for totally harmless jokes. Not to mention that I got you banned from Hexside. And almost dissected.

But it’s worse than that. Luz, I spent almost seven years tormenting Willow. I told myself that I was protecting her. That’s how I…rationalized it, I guess. But my parents never ordered me to ruin Willow’s life. They just wanted us to stop being friends. I didn’t have to rub it in her face. I didn’t have to make fun of Willow behind her back or give her mean nicknames, or host parties where I invited the whole class except her. But I did.

There’s one time. I don’t know if Willow told you about it. We were still young, maybe ten, but it was after we split up. I saw her in the hallway one day. It was during class, we both happened to be going to the bathroom at the same time or something, so we were alone in the hallway. And I just sort of realized that I could get away with almost anything. No teacher would take Willow’s word over mine. So I walked over to her and I…pushed her over. Onto the ground. When she tried to get up, I did it again. And again. And over and over again. I didn’t feel bad about it. In fact, I liked it. How messed up is that? I actually enjoyed being a bully.

Do you understand what I’m saying? When I drank that potion, I felt like someone was controlling me. I felt powerless as “someone” forced me to say awful, horrible things to you. But there was nobody else. No ghosts, no brain leeches, no puppeteers. It was me, Luz. I said those things.

I’ve been a miserable, self-pitying wreck for the last week, because I never, never in a million years, would have said those things to you, if I had the choice. I’m never going to forgive myself for what I did. But there’s still a small piece of me that’s happy with what happened. Happy that I can hurt you. Happy that I have that kind of power. I hate that piece of me. I want to kill it with fire. But it’s there, and I don’t think it’s ever going away.

So I really, honestly understand if you never want to talk to me again, or look at me, or think about me.

But there are some things I didn’t say, while in trance, and I want to say them now. Maybe, deep down, I don’t believe any of it, because deep down I’m not a good person. But it still feels true, right now, and I want to say it.

You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. You’re kind, and thoughtful, and brave. You always stand up for what you know is right; you make it look so easy. You have an amazing sense of humor. You have insightful and interesting things to say about the Good Witch Azura series. Luz, you have given me so many reasons to admire you, and I admire you so, so much. [The last section of the paragraph, just an inch or two of text, had been scribbled out with such vigor that the words were unreadable.]

Thank you for making me laugh with all your dumb jokes. Thanks for laughing at my dumb jokes. Thanks for lending me your Azura book. Thank you for believing that I could be a good person, even when you had no reason to. Thank you for being my friend. I’m so, so honored that I got to be yours.

I’m sorry.

[The part of the letter that should say “Sincerely” was also scribbled out.]
Amity